By Holly Riordan
I will rewrite texts twenty times before sending. I will send screenshots to my friends, asking them for advice about what to say next. I will spend way too much time focusing on a single sentence.
My overthinking ruins relationships before they even begin, because you never get to know the real me. I censor myself. I carefully plan out what I think you’d want to hear instead of being authentic and typing the first thing that pops into my mind. I would rather impress you with a fake version of myself than risk acting spontaneous.
I am guilty of trying too hard. I will overthink what I should wear if there is even the smallest chance I will run into you. I will overthink how long I should wait to respond to your latest text. I will overthink what it means when you say something as simple as hey.
Even after we have known each other for a while, I will have trouble believing it’s the truth when you claim to care about me. Even though I should probably take your words at face value, I will wonder whether you’re only acting nice to spare my feelings. Or whether you’re secretly trying to get something out of me.
I’m not the best person to date, because I have trouble making basic decisions. I can’t randomly choose where to eat or which movie to see without thinking through the options in detail. I would rather have you do the decision making to take the pressure off of me.
I overthink everything instead of enjoying the moment. I’m too worried about what is going to happen next to think about how happy I am now.
My overthinking ruins relationships because when everything is going fine, I destroy the peace. I accidentally cause drama. You will do something small, something meaningless, and I will make a big deal out of it.
I will see a text on your phone from a name I don’t recognize and assume you’re cheating on me. I will notice you looking at another girl and assume you don’t find me attractive anymore.
My overthinking annoys everyone because it makes me seem needy. No one wants to repeat how much they care about me every five seconds to stop me from having another meltdown. No one wants to explain how they didn’t mean for their tone to sound rude or how they didn’t realize something so small would set me off.
I wish I could stop myself. I wish I could calm my mind. But I have no control over the part of me that overthinks.
I am always going to be the person who pays close attention to the words you’re using and the expressions you’re making. I am always going to jump to conclusions. I am always going to think too much.
I need to find someone who understands that there will be times when I need their reassurance. Someone who doesn’t get mad at me for feeling insecure. Someone who loves me, even though there will be moments where I doubt that’s the truth.