12 Things You’ll Only Understand If You Live With Depression

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By Rabeyah Nasir

1. Depression is the drought in your throat when you try not to cry in public.

It’s the desperation with which you hold back the sob which threatens to break though you and it’s the all too familiar hopelessness you feel when a tear slips out anyways; just another reminder that you have no control of your body. Or your mind.

2. Depression is not sadness.

Depression is not a bad day or a break up or a failure in life. Depression doesn’t feed off negativity, it creates it. Depression isn’t a result of negative thoughts. It can’t be willed away by an hour of meditation or a good gym session.

3. Depression is the fear that engulfs you in a moment of fleeting happiness because you know it’s fleeting.

It’s the insurmountable barrier between you and anything good because you won’t let yourself far enough to fall down again. Depression is the snake in the bush watching you build yourself up again piece by piece the way it watches its favorite prey.

4. Depression is not “fixable”.

Depression is the bleak realization that you don’t know why you’re sad. How do you a fix a problem without knowing the why its there in the first place?

5. Depression is the tsunami wave at 2 AM and 2 PM.

It is the weight of the world bearing down on you just when you thought you were free. Depression is your body caving in and vanishing into the black hole that has learnt to hide behind your heart.

6. Depression is not disposable.

It is not convenient. Depression cannot be controlled or tamed. It burns what it wants, takes what it wants and destroys what it wants.

7. Depression is an unrelenting chaos in your mind painting the world black.

It is the tugging at your throat, at your heart, at your mind. Continuous tugging, pulling until all you want to do is fall.

8. Depression is not romantic or the plot of a tear-jerking movie.

It is not beautiful or acceptable. Depression is not a commercialized product for people to pity. Depression is not “a part of a person” it’s what ruins a person.

9. Depression is a party with your good old friends: guilt, anger, fear, and emptiness.

It is a gala of your worst moments, your mistakes, and your regrets. A celebration of everything you are not and never will be.

10. Depression is wondering if you’ll ever be better.

It’s the absolute crippling realization that no matter what, no matter where, no matter with whom or when: you will never be okay, perhaps for an hour, or a week, or even a month but not forever.

11. Depression is not a mental illness.

Depression is felt in spreading through your blood. It is the lead in your bones. It is the rocks in your heart. Depression engulfs you, drowns you and suffocates you.

12. Depression is the deepest loneliness you will ever know in your life.

Depression is the only friend you will let close enough to destroy you, because if you let anyone else close enough, your depression will destroy them too.

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